Recent articles published in The Etownian, the college newspaper.
Homer Dismayed by Scone Program Cut at the Blue Bean
October 10, 2019
Homer walked over to the Blue Bean for a scone. It had been a long day and he was in search of sustenance. He noted that the establishment had undergone some changes. The Starbucks imprint continued to signal quality beverages. Homer would see the proprietor training the new hires, and he thought approvingly, this is the way it should be. Students were lined up to order their special concoctions, and though some of them took time to create, Homer did not mind waiting for his turn.
The Total Exoneration of Homer
April 11, 2019
“I have been exonerated!” cried Homer. “Totally exonerated!”
Homer was buying a scone at the Blue Bean, and the proprietor was nonplussed by Homer’s declaration. This was not the sort of brouhaha one expected at 8 am at the Blue Bean.
“Excommunicated, Homer?” she said. “Why have you been excommunicated?”
She was worried about losing her best customer for scones. Perhaps her only customer.
“No, not excommunicated. Exonerated. I have been cleared of all charges.”
The Great Hoover Migration
November 8, 2018
Homer looked out of his office window. From his perch on the highest floor in the Hoover Center for Business, he could see masses of people moving towards him. It was Tuesday afternoon, and the great campus migration had begun. In recent weeks, the nation has been transfixed by the movement of a caravan of migrants, as thousands of men, women and children flee violence and poverty in Honduras in hopes of reaching America.
Homer reflects on changes arriving this fall semester
September 20, 2018
The beginning of an academic year is always fraught for Homer. The arrival of the 2018-19 term was no exception. Homer worried about the changes that had been hatched during the summer and would now be unleashed on the denizens of the campus.
So it was with some trepidation that Homer made his way to the Blue Bean. Would he still be able to count on his scones, especially the ones without icing?
Homer decries recent trend of linguistic appropriation in faculty meetings
March 22, 2018
Branding. Core competency. Value proposition.
These are terms that Homer rarely used to hear at faculty meetings. Routinely used in the business world, they have now made alarming inroads into the world of academe. Not that Homer’s faculty meetings were paragons of intellectual discourse—the ivory tower has always been beset with its own petty concerns, blustering egos, and most common of all, an overwhelming propensity to criticize the incompetence of the administration they labored under.
Homer contemplates problems facing college campuses, presidents
October 27, 2017
Colleges, notes Homer, have to deal with several unpleasant things. Take campus speakers. If you invite the wrong sort of speaker, you will make some donors very unhappy. And very unhappy donors can be very costly to a college. Among some Elizabethtown College alumni, memories still linger of Bill Ayres’s visit to the College. It was a long time ago, predating even Homer’s arrival at the college, and so Homer has to rely on hearsay accounts from disgruntled alumni that Mr. Ayres did indeed give a talk at the College.
Homer ponders revenues, parking
February 15, 2017
Homer could hardly believe his eyes. He had just come across the piece on parking in The Etownian. “Finally!” he said to himself. A diatribe against the campus parking situation was long overdue. Arming himself with a scone from the Blue Bean, Homer settled down to read the article.
Homer learns about accessibility, inclusiveness in class material
November 3, 2016
The life of a Dean is, quite possibly, replete with glamor, excitement and the unvarnished joy of working in a hallowed office in Alpha Hall. She might even—gasp!—have Windows 10 installed on her machine days before the hoi polloi in Hoover get their dirty hands on it.
But, surely, thought Homer, as he absently munched on a scone at the Blue Bean, even a Dean’s life, charmed though it may be, is not without a few challenging moments.
Homer finds faculty surveys reveal low morale amongst staff
October 13, 2016
Homer has noticed that surveys of faculty routinely suggest that the world of academe and poor morale go together. Ask faculty how they feel about their college, or their level of satisfaction with the work environment, and you are likely to get a flood of responses indicating a general state of discontent.
Homer is not immune from this existential angst. He is constantly catching himself wallowing in lugubrious lassitude—melancholy compounded by a sense of oppressive weariness. Going to class to discuss the relevance of Adam Smith’s ideas in contemporary society might relieve the tedium for a fleeting moment, but soon the feeling of wretchedness creeps back. And attending faculty meetings, Homer discovered, only serves to deepen the Stygian gloom.
Recruiting a Senior Vice President
February 11, 2016
The College is looking for a person to fill a position. As a result of restructuring at the top levels of management, a senior vice-president for academic affairs (SVPAA) will have to be hired. A search is in progress for what will be the second-highest administrative officer of the college.
Homer was dimly aware of the search. He knew that the proposed restructuring had been somewhat controversial. In December, a couple of faculty meetings were held to discuss the issue. Questions were raised about the allocation of duties amongst the new office holders. The president was invited to present his rationale for the changes.
The faculty, not altogether content with the initial response, submitted a list of conditions to the president. Some believed the president was seeking to consolidate power. Others noted that the entire management team served at the pleasure of the president anyway—what additional power could he be seeking to acquire?
The president defended the management changes. The current system, with the Provost and Dean handling various responsibilities, had served its purpose well, but was unsatisfactory in some respects. On occasion, chairs were unclear about whether they should approach the Dean, or go to the Provost, with certain issues. In rare instances, the result was confusion, as department chairs would receive conflicting guidance.
The revamped structure would minimize such occurrences, since the department chairs would now report directly to the new SVPAA.
The Faculty Handbook posed some immediate concerns. A document that few faculty willingly read, the handbook specifies the duties and composition of various committees, and describes the procedures and timelines for the submission and review of applications for tenure, promotion and sabbaticals. The Provost and Dean of Faculty are important elements in all this, but with their positions being replaced, several sections of the handbook would have to be altered.
Ultimately, the faculty voted in support of the restructuring. In December, a search committee started reviewing applications for the SVPAA position.
Some 60-odd candidates applied for the position. Many had had years of administrative experience, having served as vice-presidents, provosts, deans or department chairs. A few had served as interim presidents of their colleges.
A number of candidates were selected for the first round of interviews in January. These interviews were conducted over several days via WebEx. Homer had heard rumors that the committee was ensconced in the basement of Alpha Hall, a location that 99 percent of the faculty are unfamiliar with, but Homer’s sources are often notoriously unreliable.
The interviews themselves, from what Homer has gathered, followed a structured format, with each member of the committee responsible for specific questions to be asked of all candidates. Candidates were invited to discuss their qualifications for the position, their reasons for applying, their grasp of the issues facing small, private liberal-arts colleges.
The committee forwarded a short list of candidates to the president. These candidates have now been invited to come to campus for the second and final round of interviews. The college community will soon have an opportunity to meet them, ask questions, and evaluate their candidacies.
While Homer is interested in the outcome of the search for the SVPAA, a more-pressing concern has come to the fore. Who will replace the genial proprietor of the Blue Bean when she retires?
Perhaps a search committee is in order. Applications can be sought, WebEx interviews conducted, candidates brought to campus. In the end, however, only one issue is paramount: Will the new person be equally dedicated to the cause of selling scones without icing? The well-being of at least one community member depends on it.
Celebrating the lives of departed members of the college community
October 31, 2015
Ships that pass in the night. That’s what we are, said Longfellow.
A president of Etown died recently. He was remembered by a grateful college. The Dean of Faculty spoke at a faculty assembly about Gerhard Spiegler’s contributions to the life of the institution (of which there were many).
When professors die, there are similar remembrances of lives past. Following the death of a political science professor a few months ago, eulogies were delivered at Leffler Chapel. Several colleagues spoke movingly, and often with humor, about Wes McDonald.
The death of a student is the most tragic of all. A young life, snuffed out due to the ravages of disease, or a deadly accident, elicits the greatest grief. The college community draws closer together, candlelight vigils are held, scholarships are set up in memory of the dead student.
Others associated with the college die, but if their contact with the college community had been limited, remembrances are more local in nature. When Powell Adams, a part-time faculty in business died a few years ago, he was remembered chiefly in the department. But, in a sign that all faculty should be treated equally, the provost suggested that a moment of silence be held at a faculty assembly.
But what if you are not a faculty member?
Take the case of Derek Hathaway, who died recently. Newspapers in Harrisburg, and also in Birmingham, UK, have written about his remarkable life. An immigrant from Britain, Derek was credited with successfully leading Harsco, a multinational corporation with revenues of $5 billion. He was involved with charitable endeavors and received several honors, notably the Order of the British Empire from Queen Elizabeth II.
Obituaries have noted Derek’s association with the college. But what exactly did he do?
In the fall of 2008, the business department conducted a search to hire a Sara Lodge Executive-in-Residence. The Lodge position was typically occupied by a retired business executive, whose primary responsibilities were to provide guest lectures in business classes, advise on curriculum issues, and help students with internships and careers.
A small group of business faculty met with Derek in Hoover to talk about the Lodge appointment. Really, there was no question that Derek would be an admirable addition to the department. His interest in working with students and faculty was palpable. At one point in our discussions, he turned to me and asked how much the Lodge appointment paid. I told him (it wasn’t a big amount, but it was not trivial either.) He said immediately that we didn’t have to pay him.
We didn’t complain.
In the spring of 2009, Derek joined the department as the Lodge executive. He kept office hours. Business students met with him. In our conversations, he expressed a desire to expand study abroad opportunities for our students, especially at universities in the UK.
The appointment lasted for a semester. For four months in 2009, Derek was a member of the college community. In all likelihood, not many people outside the business department were aware of Derek’s affiliation with the college. Lodge executives tended to be like that—they were shrouded in obscurity.
Derek Hathaway died on October 22nd. Another ship that passed in the night.
Letter to the Editor responds to Editorial Board’s criticism of group projects, author reflects on own practices
September 25, 2015
Homer was so shaken by an editorial in a recent issue of the Etownian that he tottered immediately to the Blue Bean in search of sustenance. There, fortunately, lay a single scone without icing,
Elizabethtown business graduate Martina White sworn in to state House of Representatives
April 29, 2015
Inside the state Capitol, the Speaker welcomed the latest addition to the House of Representatives.
In a special election in March, Martina White, an Elizabethtown College grad, had prevailed over her Democratic opponent in a district in northeast Philadelphia. And now here she was, 26 years old, ready to join the ranks of Pennsylvania’s legislators. She stood in the well of the chamber, surrounded by family and friends, waiting to be sworn in.
SCONES, TUITION PRICES CONTEMPLATED
March 18, 2015
The proprietor of the Blue Bean Café was grappling with a problem. Scones, especially those bereft of icing, were not moving rapidly.
Or not moving at all, inquired Homer sympathetically?
That indeed was the case. There were times, noted the vexed proprietor, when the scones sat inside the case, hour after hour, as customers streamed by and ordered various other items. Greek yogurt, muffins, shakes—they all seemed to be doing well, so why not the scones?
Economics professor comments on College’s financial situation
February 18, 2015
Homer ordered the daily special at the Jay’s Nest. As he pulled out his ID card to pay for it, the cashier reminded him the price included a drink — did he want to pick one up? No, he said, this was his gift to the College. They shared a laugh at the absurdity of it. How much did the college stand to gain by Homer’s gesture? …
Unintentional gifts left by students during office hours amuse economics professor
November 19, 2014
Few things delight Homer as much as a visit by a student during office hours. Such visits, infrequent and fleeting as they may be, serve to lift the veil of gloom that otherwise shrouds Homer as he maintains a lonely, Maytag repairman-like vigil in Hoover. The silence can be oppressive on occasion, and Homer finds himself straining to hear the sounds of music emanating from Professor Chichilnisky’s office next door. …
Economics professor confronts rising tuition, health care costs
November 13, 2014
Death and taxes. To the two certainties in life attributed to Mark Twain, we could add two contemporary issues: sharp increases in tuition fees and health care costs. College students all over the country, alas, have come to dread the tuition increase every year. Homer, with a child in college, is painfully aware of the phenomenon — and has subsequently cut back on his consumption of scones. Every little bit helps. …
Noises from professors’ offices, during class breaks disturb tranquil, quiet atmosphere in Hoover Center
October 30, 2014
A visitor to the college is struck by the charming buildings, the sylvan campus, the sight of students striding purposefully at 7:55 a.m. to their macroeconomics class in Hoover. But above all, she is impressed by how quiet the place is. Indeed, she might think, is there a more suitable environment for cogitation, reflection and inquiry — a better haven for liberal learning? …
Homer questions appropriateness of lazy rivers at institutions of learning
October 15, 2014
Homer has recently been getting a lot of emails like this: “Increase Your Inbox And Received New Massage.” This was all very tempting — who doesn’t want a larger inbox or “received” a new massage…
Professor reflects on recent news story, nature of teaching profession
September 17, 2014
Homer read the headline “Idaho Professor Shoots Himself in the Foot” and was baffled. Professors have been known to make mistakes now and then. After all, thought Homer piously as he bit into a scone at the Blue Bean, to err was human. …
Professor argues importance of professional language choices
April 30, 2014
The news that an Elizabethtown College graduate had received admission to the Harvard Business School was gratifying. But a closer look at Harvard’s acceptance letter made Homer draw in his breath sharply. The letter began: “Dear K, Welcome to HBS! We are excited that you will be joining us as an MBA student in the fall of 2014.”…
A new study tour to Yunus Centre, Bangladesh
April 3, 2014
We reach Dhaka airport at 2 a.m. Our flight is at 5 a.m., so we have plenty of time to check in, clear security and board the plane to Abu Dhabi (en route to Washington D.C.). Our group moves toward the Etihad Airways counters. …
Crimes of America’s wealthiest
January 29, 2014
If Homer had a mission in life, besides seeking to ensure a regular supply of scones at the Blue Bean, it would be to come to the aid of very rich people who get caught committing financial crimes. …
Santorum and the Devil: A Quest of Epic Proportions
November 6, 2013
Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum is very familiar with the
devil. Thanks to his warnings in 2008, America learned that Satan (the
father of all devils) was insidiously attacking the “great institutions
of America”—notably, its colleges and universities….
American colleges face new challenges, threats
September 18, 2013
Just when a college thinks it’s landed a $250 million gift —poof — it is taken away in a trice. In July, Homer noted, as he bit into a scone without icing, that Centre College in Kentucky had received a staggering donation from one of its alumni, a successful businessman. It was one of the largest gifts made in higher education, and the lucky college lost no time in drawing up plans for spending the largesse. …
Spirit of altruism in Hoover
March 27, 2013
Homer was getting ready for his mathematical economics class. Partial derivatives would have to be found, equations solved, graphs drawn. Firms would be neck deep in profit maximization, while consumers gamely strove to maximize utility. The language of calculus would be put to good use. …
Immigration to U.S. increasing?
February 27, 2013
People move for all kinds of reasons. Wars. Conflicts. In the Middle East, a growing number of refugees from the civil war in Syria have sought shelter in Lebanon. With American forces all set to withdraw from Afghanistan, nervous Afghanis are trying to emigrate from their country. …
Professor writes in on Trump’s $5 million offer to Obama
November 7, 2012
A few years ago, self-proclaimed genius and all-round good guy Donald
Trump announced that he was setting up a university. The real estate
developer and television personality believed that traditional four-year
colleges were doing a terrible job of educating the youth of America
and only he could save the system. …
Professor analyzes primary season in review, how outcome affects this year’s election
October 17, 2012
By May 2012, the Republican primary season was largely over. Candidates had come and gone. Mitt Romney had prevailed. He would be the Party’s candidate in November. The GOP primaries had not been wanting …
Satan goes to college; promptly expelled
March 27, 2012
For too long Satan’s precise strategy to bring about America’s downfall had been a mystery. What exactly was the devil up to? Satan had of course made a rousing appearance in Biblical times, but …
Research on eating less helps scone lover
February 23, 2012
When Dr. Jane Cavender introduced the speaker in Gibble the other day, she was aware that the audience consisted of biology students and faculty interested in learning about the relationship between calorie intake and …
Workplace policies create monetary strife
February 20, 2012
The air is thick with talk of employment policies. Discrimination, harassment, workplace bullying — all, we’re reminded, stuff to be avoided. Training sessions for employees are being conducted, with the College’s lawyers holding forth …
Assault on free enterprise, top banker’s knighthood revoked
February 12, 2012
The report from Britain is not reassuring. The Tories, supposedly the ally of business interests, are showing signs of hostility to capitalism. It is as if Mitt Romney were to propose an individual mandate …
Business chair sympathizes with Wall Street bankers
November 18, 2011
Department chairs and Wall Street bankers have a lot in common. They lead the good life, collect hefty year-end bonuses and do God’s work. (The last, by the way, was what Goldman Sachs’ CEO …
Professor discusses unexpected benefits of strategic planning
November 3, 2011
Strategic Planning (SP) at Elizabethtown College continues at a furious pace. If you are not a member of one of the five committees involved in SP, you probably have little idea about the work …
Professor considers implication of online advertisements
October 27, 2011
The Etownian recently published a piece on Convocation. The Sept. 15 article dealt with speeches made at the event, and was also published online at etownian.com, and as Homer perused it, his eyes were …
The Moving Hand Writes 